Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
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Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?