Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
somebody come look at this
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.