Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
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People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.