Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
😜
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*