job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
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The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.