Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
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i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled