I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?