A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
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In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”