Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
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If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Why font matters.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this