Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel