(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
You Might Also Like
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.