WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
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(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.