Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
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what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”