WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
oh you wanna fight?!
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it