Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
You Might Also Like
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Yes, but it was never about money
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill