I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
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Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Saw online –
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!