captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
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I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…