[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
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Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.