If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
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My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!