33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
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Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now