*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
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You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
It do be feeling this way.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
asking santa clause for nudes