I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
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My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
best review i’ve ever seen
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
The options really are this bad
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.