[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
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I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
.. do you even science?
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
This is my brand.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra