[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
You Might Also Like
Covid like
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
my favorite genre of twitter
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
How do you milk an almond?
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping