I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
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When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad