Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
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That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
How I’d get arrested…
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
tis the season