Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
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[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?