You Might Also Like
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
twitter users today:
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
6. me as a lawyer
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops