The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
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I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Why is everyone getting married at me
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist