It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
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[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies