I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
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I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Me when my alarm goes off
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm