The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
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@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful