Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
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Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
worst…sale…ever
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”