Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
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The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special