I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.