Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
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Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation