[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
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Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard