Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
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HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??