Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
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me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.