The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
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Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Does your wife know you’re single?
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.