hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
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Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Only Americans understand
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows