“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
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-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy