‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
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[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex