boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
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Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.