I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
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Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My purse is deeper than some people.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.