I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
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HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I am, perchance
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma