Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
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They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *