someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
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Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!