I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
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I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long