Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
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Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.